how to actually be seen? (chapter 2)
series of personal essays on authenticity & being seen
I said, fuck it, let’s book that trip to Italy.
My husband said, “Finally. Booking now…”
We’d been holding off on booking a vacation because things have felt so unstable, and I kept pushing us to postpone and save the money, just in case everything went wrong.
After we booked the trip, having something to look forward to lifted both our spirits after a really challenging year so far.
But I noticed there was still a part of me that wasn’t happy with the decision. It kept insisting it was irresponsible
At first I ignored it, but the shame kept growing, to the point where all the excitement for the trip got stripped away.
Finally, I gave in and sat with that part.
I realized it wasn’t actually worried I was being irresponsible. It was worried about what other people, especially family members, would think, that I was being irresponsible.
I was judging myself for what I imagined other people might be judging me for.
I deprived us of a getaway we both desperately needed because I was so focused on other people’s judgment about my life choices.
I asked this part, “How do you see me if I were someone else?”
It said, “You are brave, and I think you made the right call to go on this vacation.”
Suddenly my entire body relaxed and I felt seen by me.
It was a big surprise to realize, it was less about me judging myself, and more about me judging other people’s judgment of me.
What if being seen is not primarily about being witnessed by others, but about finally being witnessed by you?
