how to actually be seen? (chapter 2)

series of personal essays on authenticity & being seen

I said, fuck it, let’s book that trip to Italy.

My husband said, “Finally. Booking now…”

We’d been holding off on booking a vacation because things have felt so unstable, and I kept pushing us to postpone and save the money, just in case everything went wrong.

After we booked the trip, having something to look forward to lifted both our spirits after a really challenging year so far.

But I noticed there was still a part of me that wasn’t happy with the decision. It kept insisting it was irresponsible

At first I ignored it, but the shame kept growing, to the point where all the excitement for the trip got stripped away.

Finally, I gave in and sat with that part.

I realized it wasn’t actually worried I was being irresponsible. It was worried about what other people, especially family members, would think, that I was being irresponsible.

I was judging myself for what I imagined other people might be judging me for.

I deprived us of a getaway we both desperately needed because I was so focused on other people’s judgment about my life choices.

I asked this part, “How do you see me if I were someone else?”

It said, “You are brave, and I think you made the right call to go on this vacation.”

Suddenly my entire body relaxed and I felt seen by me.

It was a big surprise to realize, it was less about me judging myself, and more about me judging other people’s judgment of me.

What if being seen is not primarily about being witnessed by others, but about finally being witnessed by you?

Reflection questions: How do you think other people judge you? And how do you adapt your behavior/choices to avoid that imagined judgment? How do you see yourself in the very thing you fear other people are judging you for?

Here is what came through:

Beloved child,

Drop the judgment.

You’ve been told to judge yourself

because your innocence was labeled as stupidity.

It’s like a treasure buried under layers of conditioning

to protect you,

to control you,

to make you small.

They show up as:

a fear of being taken advantage of,

an apology in your spine,

being too bright, afraid it will take attention away from others.

Release all of it.

Your innocence is your essence.

Carry it gently, as if you are carrying the most expensive treasure you ever laid eyes on.

It’s your divine gift.

It’s you.

Your essence 💚

{This is my personal essays on authenticity and being seen, subscribe for chapter 3.}

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Hire me for Live Experiences: immersive, interactive wellbeing events (virtual or in-person) that bring the body back into the conversation, helping your audience build mental + physical resilience through nervous system regulation, breathwork, and posture-focused practices.

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Thank you for joining me on the path of unconditioning,

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Hedi Shah
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👁️ Mindfulness Teacher & Bodyworker
🐉 Nervous system regulation, breathwork, and posture-focused strength training to target the cause of what keeps you stuck and in pain, not just symptoms.

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