my history with anger
How I learned to feel anger without it running my life.
I grew up carrying an unbearable amount of anger.
My mom felt attacked by it. She was on the receiving end of my anger more than anyone else.
My dad pretended it did not happen.
But they never asked why I was so angry, basically all the time.
Often, the people closest to me, like close family members or romantic partners, would become the targets of these outbursts.
Other people had no idea about this side of me.
The first time I truly felt what was underneath my anger was when I started writing every day, after reading The Artist’s Way.
But the outbursts continued. I was just more aware of them.
When I started dating my husband, then boyfriend, Navid, he was the first person who did not feel offended by my anger or leave the room because of it.
He would sit with me in my anger, which was something I had never experienced before. I couldn’t bear sitting with myself in my anger.
And when the anger finally passed, a heavy sadness would wash over me. Under it was this raw sense of unworthiness. Part of me even wished he would leave too, just so I would not have to feel it.
At that point, the effect of my anger on our relationship was so clear, and I wanted that to change.
Here are the two practices that helped me loosen anger’s grip on my life and relationships…
1) Inner child work:
Inner child work finally showed me where my rage was coming from, and it was the most surprising thing I had learned about myself.
As a kid, I watched women get manipulated and controlled, then swallow their pride and carry on as if everything was fine.
In those moments, I wanted them to get angry. I wanted them to refuse. I wanted them to choose themselves and, in doing so, choose me too.
That rage came from the helplessness I felt as a girl, watching it happen and not knowing how to stop it. I hated that reality. Inner child work helped me go back and give my younger self what she needed then, so I could finally close the loop.
2) Embodiment work:
Learning to stay in my body while anger moved through me was one of the most transformative experiences of my life. At times, my mind genuinely wondered if it could devour me.
It taught me something I could not think my way into. Sensations are meant to be sensed, not controlled. When I stopped trying to override them and started letting them be felt, they shifted.
As I grew my capacity to feel the intensity of anger, I also grew my capacity for everything else. I could feel sadness, tenderness, pleasure, clarity, and choice.
I can honestly say I metabolized that rage. It has been years since those outbursts. I still get angry. I am human. But anger does not control me like it used to.
I recorded a unique embodiment practice to help you process any pent-up anger.
Go on a walk and press play:
Thank you for joining me on the path of unconditioning,
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Hedi Shah
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👁️ Mindfulness Teacher & Bodyworker
🐉 Nervous system regulation, breathwork, and posture-focused strength training to target the cause of what keeps you stuck and in pain, not just symptoms.
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