The “As If We Broke Up” Experiment
Not leaving my partner, leaving my complacency
47 days ago, I had a moment….
that led to “breaking up” while staying in my relationship with my husband.
Basically, I decided to act as if we had broken up, so I could see who I would become, what I would choose, and where I had been using the comfort of being “a couple” as an excuse to stay complacent.
Here’s what happened leading up to that moment:
One morning, I was FaceTiming a dear friend who was going through a painful breakup. Even though I knew she was hurting, I could not ignore what else I was witnessing. A kind of wildness was returning to her, along with a deep sense of conviction and aliveness. I felt moved by her energy, and I found myself wondering when the last time was that I had felt like that.
Later that same day, I was scrolling on Pinterest (of all places) and came across a girl talking about something similar. She said she was acting as if she had broken up inside her relationship, not to end it, but to interrupt the stagnation and comfort that had started to make her feel unsatisfied.
Her story landed in me. Paired with what I had seen in my friend earlier that morning, I felt a strong pull to start an experiment.
Before that let me give you a backstory on how we got here:
My partner and I dated long-distance for 2.5 years. I was in Canada and he was in the UK. In the middle of the pandemic, I moved to the UK. We both moved to Manchester, where we didn’t know a single soul. Then we worked from home, with rare interactions outside our bubble, mostly just trips to see family and friends when we could.
A year and a half ago, we moved again, this time to a small town in the northwest of England. We lost the little community we’d built, and we had to start over again.
And again, it was mostly just me and him.
Yes, I started litter picking with neighbors and helping with our local garden. But day-to-day, we only really have each other to rely on. We are working from home, with very little opportunity to meet people.
After those moments of clarity, I sat down and asked myself:
Where do I say no to opportunities to socialize and get out of my comfort zone because the comfort of our couple habits is easier?
How would I show up differently if I were actually broken up?
So I began a practice of noticing, in real time, where I was relying on the relationship to meet needs I could meet myself, where I was using it as an excuse to not take risks, and where it had become a soft place to hide.
And then I started doing the opposite.
A tangible example: I’d been trying to make friends locally, but I had this story that it wasn’t worth expanding my Bumble BFF radius beyond 15 minutes. When I checked the app again, I caught myself. Why wouldn’t I widen it?
I expanded the distance. And I ended up meeting someone who lives 40 minutes away.
We had one of the deepest, most stimulating conversations I’ve had in a long time because I chose to go a little further than what was convenient. Not only did I potentially make a new girl friend, but I also got to enjoy a solo road trip with my fav playlist, which I had not done in a while.
Basically, I decided to spread my wings while still being in a relationship. Sometimes we slowly cut our own wings, little by little, because staying open and alive requires us to keep choosing movement, risk, and growth.
I’m planning to keep this going for 3 months and see what happens. All I need to do is organize one social activity per week that pushes me outside of my comfort bubble.
Unconditioning is not prescriptive. It is about finding out what medicine you need. Even though I cherish the comfort and safety I have in my relationship with my husband, which we need more than ever in this world, in this phase of life stepping out of that comfort is what feels most supportive.
What is your medicine these days?
💚 When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help:
Hire me for Live Experiences: immersive, interactive wellbeing events (virtual or in-person) that bring the body back into the conversation, helping your audience build mental + physical resilience through nervous system regulation, breathwork, and posture-focused practices.
Discover Your Body’s Story (Free quiz): a 5-minute pause to understand what your body has been trying to tell you, especially if you feel “wired but drained,” stuck in a loop, or disconnected from your deeper embodied wisdom.
Body Check-in: a 2-hour online session to assess your body’s current state, identify patterns and hidden imbalances (posture, breath, nervous system tone), and leave with a clear, personalized plan (plus 7 days of support after).
🐉 Subscribe for more mindfulness, posture, and embodiment practices
….to help you move beyond the conditioning that keeps you stuck and in pain.
Thank you for joining me on the path of unconditioning,
––––––––––––––––––
Hedi Shah
––––––––––––––––––
👁️ Mindfulness Teacher & Bodyworker
🐉 Nervous system regulation, breathwork, and posture-focused strength training to target the cause of what keeps you stuck and in pain, not just symptoms.
📲 Website | Youtube | LinkedIn | Insight Timer
I love this concept of not just the return to our wildness, but building it into our current state.