When belonging became a performance
The hidden difference between adapting for survival and belonging with integrity
It has been over fourteen years since I left Iran. But my first real migration happened at 18, when I moved from my small hometown of Sari, near the Caspian Sea, to Tehran (capital of Iran) for university.
I had worked tirelessly to get into a top university, but the reality was nothing like I had imagined. I felt painfully lost and disconnected. Struggling with nightmares and depressive episodes, I was put on strong medication for sleep and anxiety, yet nothing seemed to help. I spent a lot of time in isolation, desperately trying to figure out my life and longing to quit and return home.
It took three years to finally find my footing, to make friends and start enjoying my new life. But by then, my family was already planning our immigration to Canada. I was left with a nagging regret: I wished I hadn’t wasted so much time in the depths of depression and had embraced that chapter more openly.
So, when we officially moved to Canada, I made myself a promise: this time, I would embrace it wholeheartedly. I was terrified of repeating that cycle of regret or falling into depression.
And so, I embraced it. I went into full-on striving mode. I started making friends from all over, forced myself into awkward situations to learn English as fast as I could, and I completely shut the door on my past. I was worried that if I let myself feel even a little bit of homesickness, I’d fall apart again, and I couldn’t let that happen.
I remember when my other Persian friends, who had immigrated just like me, would confess their loneliness and their struggle to belong. And I, too focused on my own survival, was dismissive. I saw their pain as a “childish” struggle I had already conquered.
I was so proud of myself for fitting in. To the point when people would say, “Oh, you seem like you’ve been here much longer than two years,” I felt a real sense of accomplishment. For the first ten years, I truly convinced myself that I belonged.
Until the fog lifted, not with a gentle nudge, but with a rupture. Along came a tidal wave of old grief, anger, and a profound homesickness for a self I had abandoned.
I wasn’t belonging….I was performing, moving through life fragmented and unable to hold the entire truth of my lived experience.
I learned and continue to relearn this:
Adaptation is not the same as belonging.
AND…
You only truly belong when you are comfortable bringing all parts of yourself.
Not picking and choosing.
Not performing your way through life.
That is exhausting and soul crushing.
Where in your life are you still adapting to belong?
And notice how your posture responds to that?
Click to dive deeper to understand your layers of conditioning
And watch this YouTube video, sharing:
Signs of false belonging
Why the body reacts when we silence ourselves
How suppression impacts physical health
Three practices to belong without losing yourself
There is also a short embodiment exercise to help you stay present with discomfort instead of collapsing into old patterns.
👁️ What your body has been trying to tell you?
The way we hold ourselves matters. Not just because of how it looks. But because it shapes how we live, how we relate, and what we’re capable of imagining. Let your body speak. Let it interrupt the collective war and offer you a new way of being entirely.
Client’s Unconditioning ↓
If you feel called to re-pattern your body, regulate your nervous system, and reclaim your power, I invite you to book The Alignment Diagnostic call with me: https://tidycal.com/hedishah/the-alignment-diagnostic
During this session, we’ll assess your body’s current state, uncover hidden imbalances, and create a personalized movement plan to help you shift from tension into alignment.
Offerings↓ ↓
꩜ Embodied Monthly Reset
Nov 26 . Wednesday . 3 pm GMT
These sessions are designed to release the stress you have been carrying, reconnect with your body’s wisdom, and step into the new month with clarity and intention. In the final week of each month, we will come together for:
Nonlinear movement to shake off tension and emotional residue
Guided reflection to integrate what the month brought
Intentional planning to meet the next cycle grounded and resourced
This is about returning to your center, unconditioning yourself from systems built to keep you small, and living a sovereign life. Come as you are.
Leave lighter, clearer, and more connected.
Prepration:
- Wear comfy clothes
- Have plenty of space to move around
- Bring a pen and paper
Duration: 45-60 mins
Where: Insight Timer
Cost: Free or donation-based
Thank you for joining me on the path of unconditioning,
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Hedi Shah
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👁️ Bodyworker & Mindfulness Teacher
🐉 Nervous system regulation, breathwork, and posture-focused strength training to target the cause of what keeps you stuck and in pain, not just symptoms.
📲 Website | Youtube | LinkedIn | Insight Timer
Very poignant and relatable. Not sure I've ever belonged, tbh.
Beautifully said...I had several aha moments reading and watching the video 🔥❤️